Given the sober and disappointing performance and total lack of spine demonstrated by our commissioners in todays 5 hour meeting this spectacular piece by Sam Toll at the Teller lifted my spirits…..
By Sam Toll
Editor – The Storey Teller
After learning of the mysterious zoning distinction of The Mustang Ranch property last month, the owners of Nevada’s infamous brothel announced the addition of their newest attraction, The Mustang Ranch Petting Zoo.
“We are excited to partner with the owners of The Mustang Ranch as we open Nevada’s newest attraction “The Mustang Ranch Petting Zoo”. With the opening of our world-class petting zoo, the comfort and needs of animal lovers around the globe can be met Nevada style.” explained Mustang Ranch Petting Zoo founder Glance “The Thrill” Thrillman.
Thrillman made his announcement standing next to a miniature replica of the recently unveiled Burning Man Art Statue – dubbed “The Hoo-Haa” – near the entrance of his petting zoo. “We have been looking for the right location to open our zoo and we couldn’t be happier with The Mustang Ranch and the discovery of the zoning designation,” said Thrillman at the grand opening press conference.
Storey County recently discovered an oversight in the zoning of the World Famous Mustang Ranch. For years everyone assumed that the zoning was industrial or residential. After a grueling eight month investigation into the exact zoning designation, Assistant County Manager, HR Director, Planning Director, Master Plan master and man of mystery Austin “No Stone Un-turned” Osborne recently announced the results of his exhaustive investigation: “The subject property is zoned Agriculture.” Osborne revealed earlier this month.
“We couldn’t be more happy with the Agricultural Zoning Ordinance, with Mr. Osborne and with the people inside the Storey County Community Development Department. Gary “Not Just A Fry Cook” Hames bent over forwards and backward to cut the red tape and waive the applications and fees. Heck, we didn’t even have to apply for a special use permit. Mr. Hames just patted us on the back and told us how proud he was that we chose “The Richest Place on Earth” to pitch our tent and spread the love,” said Mr. Thrillman.
Embracing The Mustang Ranch Heritage
Mr. Thrillman has been scouring the globe in search of the right place to pitch his tent and launch his dream. His search led him to Nevada, just down the road from the worlds largest industrial center, TRIC at the world famous Mustang Ranch. “The owners of the Mustang Ranch are animal lovers, with a rich and storied history of embracing the local wild horse sheep populations. We are excited to be able to expand the scope of their interests to embrace exotic animals from all over the globe. The fact that the Zoo will be located within the confines of the old McCarren Family sheep ranching empire makes it all the more relevant to Nevada and maintaining the heritage of the Nevada’s rich connection with Man’s other best friend” said Thrillman.
The Petting Zoo will be managed by Thrillman’s lifelong friend, companion, and tent-mate Tris “No Sheep Un-turned” Kompton. “I’ve been into animal husbandry as long as I can remember. Our The Mustang Ranch Petting Zoo will help me share my love of animals with my fellow man and woman,” said Mr. Kompton.
The Mustang Ranch Petting Zoo’s focus won’t be on horses and sheep alone. Although Kompton expects the Sheep exhibit to be most popular, “We take pride in our New Zealand Sheep herd, but we cater to all animal lovers. There will be separate areas for large and small animal lovers. Donkeys, Goats, Pigs, and Sheep will have separate venues while declawed Gerbils, Hamsters, Ginneau Pigs, Ferrets, Bunnies, and Mice will have private petting areas.” Kompton explained.
The Mustang Ranch Petting Zoo has private themed rooms for well-heeled clients. “We are most excited to offer special rooms for our clients. Rooms like “The Lion Tamer”, “The Sheepherder’s Camp”, “The Snake Charmer” and “The Manger” will be available for our client’s enjoyment. Like the traditional rooms, all venues will be available for hourly, daily or weekly enjoyment. We encourage our customers to stay as long as they can afford. We leave no holds barred when it comes to satisfying our customers and taking care of their needs. They don’t call me “The Thrill” for nothing.” Mr. Thrillman told us.
In addition to the private venues, Thrillman and Kompton will also have live entertainment. “Our travels have taken us all over the globe and we have met some world-class talent. We have booked performers we think will provide some very unique entertainment. We can’t wait to bring tourists to the Reno area to see our shows.” Explained Kompton as he shared with us the first entertainment act in the form of a flyer seen in downtown Reno.
When the Going Gets Weird, The Weird Turn Pro
Glance “The Thrill” Thrillman admits his Mustang Ranch Petting Zoo may not be for everyone. “Not everyone loves animals the way we do,” he explained. “But we have a burning desire to provide the kindest most loving place for animal lovers to be able to express their most intimate feelings with our pets. It’s a necessary service to man and animal kind”
For those of you in Rio Linda or the first floor of the Storey County Courthouse who still don’t realize it, the above story is satire.
It is not claiming to be based in fact.
It has no basis in fact and any similarities to persons or animals, living or dead, is pure coincidence.
No animals were injured in the writing of this piece.
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